reconstruction surgery

4.2.20 - #corona2020 VI

Points of light share their grace in the dead of night
A backyard porch and empty streets, lonely cries
Asking stars if they’ve witnessed this story before
Have wonderous other worlds survived these plights
Are they twinkling to bless us with rays of hope
Telling us to hold tight, everything will be alright


I’m exhausted. First one to admit that I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been writing the past few days. We’re all struggling on the inside in these long, silent days. Filling the time with the things we probably would have done anyway, but gravity seems heavier on our shoulders now. We’re lucky, so far. My income is still stable for now, but we’ve taken a hit. Every trip to the grocery store, I’m wondering if I should bring a mask. I don’t have a good one yet, and I keep my distance. The lines are long, the toiletries are gone.
J has had to sleep on the couch to keep the triggers from being bad, something we’re hoping the new scripts take care of. But the adjustment is awful. My own scripts… I don’t know how well they’re working. Still takes me forever to fall asleep, even in bed. I don’t know if it’s a comfort or a shared sadness that I know I’m not the only one.
So I turn on an app that plays the sounds of rain and storms. I miss her, it sucks sleeping alone.
A year ago, I took the bandages off the staples in my knee, after the blowout. I posted a recovery picture and thought maybe put it here, because why not. I’m still writing, I’ll get back to it. Between GR and Robyn (still need a better title), I’ve got plenty I can do.
Yoga, elastic bands, and the recumbent bike have helped, but I haven’t done it consistently.

Lookout, the picture is kind of brutal. I’ve probably got 60% of function back, but the strength is just… gone. 30 pounds of weight loss probably included a lot of atrophy. Hopefully this year is the year I get the strength back.

6.17.19

‘Move past it’ is a choice I think
A daily conversation to have with
Oneself, and on bad days, out loud
Move past the daily little triggers
And reminders of past mistakes
Try to notice them less because
It isn’t your fault if it happens again
You’ll just have to let her go
But that hurt? That hurt would
Take hourly conversations with
Yourself in order to move past it

6.4.19

Doubt lingers like dead weight
Heavy, cracking the ribs
Shaking an taped together heart


Will you be there
Will you be real
Will you tell me
It’s okay to feel


If you’re here now then be here
Get rid of all the noise
You promised it’d be just us
You promised a lot
I’m afraid to ask
How many you broke
Along the way
Is it better to know
Or not know
I’ve never been good
At sticking my head
In the sand


So many questions I don’t want to ask

4.19.19

two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do


A man played the blues for ninety-two years
In a smoke-filled bar, drinks are raised
All his favorite songs will be played
By the generation he saved


I wonder
if I’ll be
the face you pick
out of the crowd
you’ll run to,
Every
Single
Time


There’s always tomorrow
Say it again
There’s always tomorrow
Until there isn’t


Don’t take it for granted
The ability to bend the knee
And push off of it again
When you can move
Put it to work
And be grateful
For the simple things

4.1.19 - Recovery Day 4 & Excerpts

He could sit here all night, pay his tab, and only the bartender and bouncer would speak to him. Neither would swear knowing Glitch, if pressed. His mind drifted between watching the band and nursing his drink. With two pungent tokes, his heart rate slowed as vape clouds mingled into dive bar haze. He wrapped himself in a comforting blanket of anonymity and bourbon.

Days one through three were rough. Managing pain, resting, and recovering mobility is a bit of work. Thankfully, I have a great support group. I am grateful and lucky.

Don’t know how I’ll ever repay them, but I hope to find a way.

Count the staples

Recovery means feeling like glass
Trembling at the fear of breaking
From every falling drop of rain
Fresh with the painful truths
Of how brittle we feel
When it’s time to heal

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_b34.jpg

Recover

This’ll be the first in a series of progress pictures over the next few years.