depression

7.1.20 - Pandemic Poetry #2

We all scare, a little, here
Crowded, breadcrumb beds
That sound, light, or touch
Would drown tearful fears
This pain that clings to us
Memories on a slow burn
Hollowed out the dreams
Years repeat in night’s sleep

I make my last rounds during the witching hours
Check the locks, tiptoe past all my sleeping wards
Still, toiling away during the quiet night creeps
While in the bedroom shows stream in hopes of
Crowding out their darkest remembered dreams
They breathe slowly and softly cry out in the dark
One last race before I lay down my worried head
Dreaming of apex turns instead of counting sheep

3.16.20 - #corona2020 II

I realized, only recently, how poorly I do with internal anxiety
There’s a train, running away, in my head sometimes
If I try, stay busy, maybe the brakes may recover before
I reach the end of the bridge, the end of the world


First full real day of what seems like a real, new normal. Not that we would go out if we could, ‘cause we can’t afford it, but because this illness is a bad rollercoaster ride. We’re not sure if J and D have it, since there weren’t testing kits last week. They’re supposed to call the Georgia Board of Health or something, go through a questionnaire, to even qualify for a test. Right now we’re operating under a 14-day quarantine diagnosed as pneumonia for J, and a 5-day quarantine diagnosed as bronchitis for D. I feel fine, but there’s a tension in the air. We’re faced with the added anxieties of having nothing better to do than reflect on our own past terrors and nightmares. While we wait on referrals for therapists to work through the overloaded for-profit under-prepared American Health Care nightmare, the news outside gets worse and the future darkens a little.

So I went to the gym anyway. I need something besides working my way through the feedback notes on Gravity’s Reach in preparation for a May Writer’s Conference that likely could be cancelled. I’ve been working on the Robin Hood homage, and that’s been more fun. I also have to check grades, put together plans for next week (both planning for online or in-class delivery), and take care of three hurting people.

”We’re broken, but we’re not damaged goods.”

”We do the best we can.”

At least one thing I can pull, a few moments with the dog in the backyard watching her play before she spent hours by my side while I wrote.

That’s the career I want, where I can spend my days giving head scratches while writing the next story.

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2.16.20

What the brain tells you and what’s real are contradictory
When depression and anxiety run rampant in a mind
Medication and therapy need to happen but that only
Deals with the symptoms and not the real problem
Change has to be tangible and it must happen soon
While reality is survivable, we were meant for more

12.1.19

We look forward to the house being full of food and noise
Then there’s so much food and so much noise that we
Wonder if we accomplished something crazy or did okay
A lesson in teamwork and grinding through rough days
It seems everything happens so fast and then we wait
For another shoe to drop, the next big thing to change
A room is empty, useless without someone to fill it
We have to learn to let go and hope beyond hope
That we’ll all be okay and we can make it on our own
Hoping one day we’ll again make a house our home

11.6.19

My wife and I don’t know how we’ll make it month to month
We work full time, pay our bills, scavenge every penny
Yet debts add up, stacking crap on top of bullshit mountain
An American dream of shitty insurance and a million ways
To die a victim of late-stage capitalism gone amuck
Everyone has two full years of income already owed
A one percent sucking the marrow from our bones
Fearing the masses wake from media-induced comas
Devour the rich whole, it’s the only thing they’re good for
We have the numbers, burn them alive in their fancy homes