Teaching while on the Spectrum might look like mainlining cocaine or speed
Yet it’s really anxiety-soaked adrenaline pushing daily seven-hour manic states
Come home, crash, weekend cries until the shakes stop but sleep never comes
A decade of internal doubt, of constant failure, fear of being seen as a liability
The job is important. Science must be taught with conviction rivaling zealotry
While a world shuts down borders and free thought, reason and medicine
Threadbare hope, grains of success not measurable during observations
Motivate with all the optimism and joy in the tank, leaving nothing for thyself
7.29.21 - Handle With Care
We’re all a little bit broken, from time to time
When the bad days stack up, like the dimes
We don’t have to pay the bills, we stay behind
Wishing for a break, praying for peace of mind
Anxiety rings louder when another bill arrears
And we dig our way out or dig down, deeper
All hearts beat, despite daggers of despair
Always, dearest remind me, handle with care
5.25.21 - Watched you leaving before you walked away
Lost in places we’re supposed to feel safe
In dark spaces, time spent tempting fate
Looking for despair in low corner of self-hate
Dreading looming disasters in nights so late
Marriages tested before honeymoon phases
Lost count of worthless evenings, wasted days
Miles between pillows, bridges retracted up
Dreaming of only one person’s touch, so much
I see it before you do, then, and always
Wander far, through unfamiliar hallways
Prefer distraction since it’s easier to avoid
Anyone’s company is better than noise
Starved for attention and unladen affection
Disappeared for days, unanswered questions
Alone in our empty bed, math adds up poorly
Ain’t real if it takes a drug for you to love me
9.4.20 - letters without addresses #1
Hey there, Psyche. Damn, I know it’s been forever
Decades passed in silence, then only a shitty letter
Though they say an asshole never really recovers
This ass hopes you found far better friends and lovers
Whisky brown hair, brilliant smile, the fairest blue eyes
Sharper and brighter than all the stars in Southern skies
Just one second, this ain't one of them pining love songs
More a long-waiting tattered lists of souls I’ve done wrong
One bad night, drunkenly convinced I’d been strung along
I became another toxic creep, another entitled hard-on
Flashes of trembling hands, tears took up shop in my head
But I blacked out enough to not remember what all I said
When really you needed a best friend, not a jealous loser
Instead, I walked away, wanting only to not exist to you
It’s been years since then, paid in therapy reckonings
Took a while to learn, romance starts by looking within
But still, what’s worse, digging up the past or living lies
What hurts, late-offered amends or broken goodbyes
For a victim, how long makes it too late to apologize?
Male-privileged obsession is just intimidation in disguise
So, years later, here’s the truth that only matters now
The important thing I hope I one day get to say to you
If allowed, I have random chance and courage to do
Psyche, you deserved better than I ever gave to you
My selfish words and actions burned our bridges
There aren’t any good reasons you should forgive
’Sides, justifying turns into gaslighting before long
I’ll move along, just sorry that I hurt you. I was wrong
8.20.20 - Pandemic Sonnet #1
Hot rain pounded on square, concrete tombs
Our opinions overrode data, famous last words
For single-pained souls across a gasping globe
In empty classrooms, ghosts talked to screens
Smiled and pretended that everything was clean
Science toiled cures, scrubs-clad martyrs screamed
Scholars silenced, pleaded safety not guaranteed
Wise words twisted, gathering dust on toxic pulpits
Whilst pious, fat hypocrites proudly flouted lessons writ
In their treasured, leatherbound, ancient moral scripts
Pride becameth Fall for faithless worshipping a Con’s greed
Falsely-winged devout demanded sacrifice, so blinded
They offered up children to a righteous Death Cult idol
Blame for self-evident sins falls upon poisoned, Holy men
*notes and such
Two lines I liked but couldn’t figure out how to tweak and use. I still think this needs some re-arranging, but it needs to get out of my head for a while.
Omens in six-foot deep ends justified by green means
Foreshadowed in testing, autopsies backdated two weeks,