surgery

4.2.20 - #corona2020 VI

Points of light share their grace in the dead of night
A backyard porch and empty streets, lonely cries
Asking stars if they’ve witnessed this story before
Have wonderous other worlds survived these plights
Are they twinkling to bless us with rays of hope
Telling us to hold tight, everything will be alright


I’m exhausted. First one to admit that I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been writing the past few days. We’re all struggling on the inside in these long, silent days. Filling the time with the things we probably would have done anyway, but gravity seems heavier on our shoulders now. We’re lucky, so far. My income is still stable for now, but we’ve taken a hit. Every trip to the grocery store, I’m wondering if I should bring a mask. I don’t have a good one yet, and I keep my distance. The lines are long, the toiletries are gone.
J has had to sleep on the couch to keep the triggers from being bad, something we’re hoping the new scripts take care of. But the adjustment is awful. My own scripts… I don’t know how well they’re working. Still takes me forever to fall asleep, even in bed. I don’t know if it’s a comfort or a shared sadness that I know I’m not the only one.
So I turn on an app that plays the sounds of rain and storms. I miss her, it sucks sleeping alone.
A year ago, I took the bandages off the staples in my knee, after the blowout. I posted a recovery picture and thought maybe put it here, because why not. I’m still writing, I’ll get back to it. Between GR and Robyn (still need a better title), I’ve got plenty I can do.
Yoga, elastic bands, and the recumbent bike have helped, but I haven’t done it consistently.

Lookout, the picture is kind of brutal. I’ve probably got 60% of function back, but the strength is just… gone. 30 pounds of weight loss probably included a lot of atrophy. Hopefully this year is the year I get the strength back.

5.29.19

Draft four is done
Now to read and
Hope I am able
To write the cover


The world spins and sometimes
It twists in ways we don’t expect
Dizzy are those drunk in the heat
Praying for rain on city streets


We still have sweat to give.


Hurt never goes away
Every day becomes a
Choice to let the scars
Win or to take a risk
And try to love again


A real leader knows exactly how many people follow them, and why. 


Two months of physical therapy
Building back a broken body
And looking for a new home
May have me wishing for fall


There is never enough time


The floor is full of unpacked bags
A messy confluence of lives
Still unorganized yet hoping
They can be merged together
And if they’re lucky and true
Make each other better

4.13.19 - Recovery and Excerpts

“We must respect space, it is a savage place.  Carry on, and take the legacy of those lost with you.  Share their stories, as someone will one day share yours.”


A month and a day ago I blew out my knee.
Today, I went to the gym for the first time, since.
I am grateful, to be this far, to have help along the way,
yet, reminded of how far I have, still, to go.


“Purpose, that’s what I’m searching for.  Maybe I’ll find it amongst the stars.


The 5th draft has been uneven, since 25 staples.
But there’s been constant progress. Always, forward.
Not just in the book but in life. Constant, changing, progress.
In reflective quiet, remember the positives, first, and last.


“A starship is made for connecting distant lights.  Each point represents choices, changes, and new direction.  Every time I ferry this trip , I am reminded of that. You all will make choices.  Some good, some poor.  No matter what choices you make, own them.”

4.1.19 - Recovery Day 4 & Excerpts

He could sit here all night, pay his tab, and only the bartender and bouncer would speak to him. Neither would swear knowing Glitch, if pressed. His mind drifted between watching the band and nursing his drink. With two pungent tokes, his heart rate slowed as vape clouds mingled into dive bar haze. He wrapped himself in a comforting blanket of anonymity and bourbon.

Days one through three were rough. Managing pain, resting, and recovering mobility is a bit of work. Thankfully, I have a great support group. I am grateful and lucky.

Don’t know how I’ll ever repay them, but I hope to find a way.

Count the staples

Recovery means feeling like glass
Trembling at the fear of breaking
From every falling drop of rain
Fresh with the painful truths
Of how brittle we feel
When it’s time to heal

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_b34.jpg

Recover

This’ll be the first in a series of progress pictures over the next few years.


3.28.19 - Bilateral Reconstruction

Tht’s a good name for something sci-fi.

That could be the meds.

Also.

That. Really. Hurt.

That really hurt.

It was worse than the doctor thought. Not just the patella but the ligaments to either side.

I’ll get a phone call tomorrow about the results and recovery.

For now, I’m glad it’s done.

I want to recover.

But I’m scared of how long it could potentially take.

But I want to recover. I want this to be the low point. It gets better from here.

I get better, from here.

“Wants”

I want to write
a story I can be proud of.
I want to write a story that
deserves to be heard.
I want to be
successful.
I want to scream into the void,
and hear a scream back,
for once.
I want you to reach out.

I know you’re out there.
I miss you.
I want to find out if I can finish what I start.