Not the first time I've tried to short type 2017 into the date for 2018, probably be doing that the next month or so.
First, a song from an album that's been pretty much on constant rotation for me this past week.
The album is amazing, really speaks to me. I think the past year has kind of been revelatory of the depths of what I've been going through, and I'm able to appreciate, and maybe recognize others that are struggling on occasion too. Maybe I'm learning to be more empathetic, that's what I want.. Or maybe I'm just projecting.
Plus the lead singer reminds em of this dude I went to high school with, if he'd been an artist, this is the kind of guy he'd have become after a mistaken stent in metal. Probably similar stories of depression and fighting a possible substance abuse problem.
Man isn't that an understandable struggle, now.
The whole album, and really the genera at large, I owe to a late discovery of Alabama Shakes. The radio station on Google Play associated with them, not once have I skipped a song. Even good gym music for where my head and heart are lately.
Irma Thomas - Wish Someone Would Care
Only the second day into the year, which really is a superfluous demarkation of the passage of events in one's life. Really I feel like my season changed a few months back, I decided to be progressive in dealing with my free time and anxiety. I told myself I needed to actually take agency of my own path, something I hadn't really been doing. So, after a heartbreaking catalyst, I've been in a gym at least an hour a day three days a week the past six months, usually more. I don't know the weight loss yet, but I'm seeing results. I kind of don't want to what my weight is for a while. I joined a gym, and now think I can manage six days a week.
It leads to the second goal. The treadmill time helps me focus my thoughts, get my imagination to run through it's usual mill of dreams and move towards writing scenes and pages, fixing problems. If I can learn to write while on the treadmill, I'll be able to lose so much weight. But I told myself that starting winter break I would write at least a paragraph a day. I force myself to write at least one paragraph. Most days, it's been at least a page. Today it was four pages, I think good ones. I want to treasure these days of small successes, and mark them. I wrote the Wen and Gre intro, and I'm kind of proud of it. I took a while, focused, and came up with a different way of doing it that gave me good characterization of these two diametrically opposed characters, a different view of a character that was introduced earlier. I'm hoping it's good. I think it is. I figure if I can keep this pace... maybe I can actually do this.
Darondo - Didn't I
So many dreams and things to want to do. I think I'm also afraid of all the aloneness I'll feel on nights like this. Writing is a really lonely process. I get lost in my thoughts, but then I realize that I've been here the whole time. And while I have ideas of who I'd want to see and talk to, and reasons why... I think I just feel the fact that I'm single a lot more when I'm writing. I'm more... aware of it. Or... I'm just getting more aware of it all the time. Like... is this gonna be my future? A lot of lonely nights writing after heavy workouts. It's not the worst life... but it's... isolated.
I don't know if it helps or not for me to type here. I know no one's listening yet, despite my hopes, fears, and sometimes ambitions.
The Isley Brothers - Fire and Rain
I just hope I can keep this pace up with work.
I want to be that guy that succeeds at all the things, for me... you too.