Walk with me
under starlight
across the mountains
Your fingers warm
these frozen hands
on cold nights
Say those four
simple, lovely words
“Make love to
Make a million wishes
maybe one will come true
But
without the wishing
nothing is true
please don’t leave
Don’t
Leave
Don’t
Wait
Don’t
Stop
I wonder if I write
poetry and fiction
to fill the space
Where life should be
If you’re wondering, I’ve been okay.
The world spins while we sweat away
dollars, hours, worries, and treasures.
Dreaming up future versions of ourselves
Silence sometimes is better when
you have no answer for them.
Work hard, towards a distant dream
like stars just out of reach.
If you’re wondering: I’m okay.
I hope to the heavens
you’re okay too.
———————
Tell me a story, she says
somewhere we can meet
after our eyes close
think of infinite sweet
moments of bliss
passions that burn
like curving constellations
and every kiss
———————
It’s not really ghosting
if you have
nothing
to say
———————
If I had a million dollars
would it change how
I feel
about
me
If I won a million dollars
would it change how
my others
treat
me
———————
every day
it’s the same boring
thing
if it’s you
to me
it’s a dive
into another world
even if I’m
the only
one
who knows
it exists
but
one day
I’ll share it
with you
and hope
you love it
and exist
too
———————
one day as old men
we’ll open up
about who we really were
when no one was looking
one will say I was
a rebel in my
own mind
but most
will say
the same
———————
kiss me one last time
a plane is waiting
out in the cold
where you have to go
alone
i sob but turn
you peak out the door
i can’t turn my back
you have to go
first
for hours white foam
rolls over your cage
i watch windows, helpless
hoping for your
face
———————
love me now
love me tomorrow
like
you loved me yesterday
———————
the Eiffel tower, blanketed white
glows in the steam
of our embrace
stroll through cold
twinkling Parisian nights
whispers and giggles
”You. The brightest light.”
———————
If Gravity is a metaphor
of the most powerful force
that binds us to Earth
it binds us to each other
a mind-boggling reach
across vast velvet nothing
yet pales to the grip
your Love has o’er me
Sixty-six years from now
Sometimes
I worry
that I’ll run out of ideas
or new ways
to tell you how I love you
to make love to you
I’ll run out of words to say
On that day
I’ll die
Keep us alive
Love yourself, first
as I loved you
dancing on hardwood floors
kitchens and bars
under rain-soaked stars
in the backseat of our cars
Those days
We lived
Life with you
made the difference
between darkest night
and the sunniest day
Shimmering constellations held
no beauty like the curves
of your infinite smile
Nothing will
Ever again.
The first edited draft is out to reviewers! The rough draft ended at almost 200,000 words, far too many to ever be publishable. I managed to get the 1st draft down to 160,000 words, but that’s still at least 30,000 above my target so I have a long road to go. But with the help of my first reviewers and another draft, I believe might be able to have a query-able (if that’s a word) draft out by the new year.
Here’s hoping. In the meantime, I’m writing the first draft of a query letter. Talk about nerve wracking.
But, progress is progress and progress I’ll take!
It's hard to remember what I've said before, so I apologize to myself if I'm repeating anything I said last time.
I've taken to adding comments every time I add something new to the story, so i an see what progress I'm making. Kind of a way of showing both accountability, and progress reminders so that I don't beat myself up too much.
Tonight I wrote about the past two day gap. Mom had surgery on the 21th. I took this image yesterday, at a low point when she was feeling really rough during recovery.
She kept thinking that it will never get better than this. She was worried that she will always feel this way, that this condition was her new normal. There were swelling issues, bladder issues, and she kept saying if this is how she's going to feel the rest of her life, what's the point? Like she won't physically be better. It was hard to convince her, to remind her that this is one day, things do get better. But she's had a fucking hard summer between her mother's cancer and her own...
We just got her discharged today. The surgery was a bigger deal than maybe either of us realized. She's in recovery, and the prognosis is positive. They think they got all the cancer. Still seems unreal. I think I'm handling it well. I've been here helping and will continue to be until she's able to drive and lift objects again. Still feel helpless, like I'm not doing enough. I try to be positive, and keep reminding her that it's worth it to get through, that this isn't the end of her life. I told her she needs to plan things to do, bucket list things like buy herself a convertible, a cheap one. Take a trip to Greece like she's always wanted.
I need to do the same things but I can't afford to yet... that's a spiral. And really, I'm thinking one day I'm going to go bankrupt. I don't know how long I'll be able to avoid it. I have to pray that maybe, just maybe the book will sell.
So I missed a day of writing. And all the others I feel like I'm still not writing enough daily.
I'm afraid I'll go bankrupt before I finish this book. I'm afraid I'll never finish. I'm hoping that if I keep talking about my fears, they won't overcome me.
In the meantime, I'm going to do my best here in Birmingham. Mom needs someone to drive and lift things for her for the next two weeks. So I'll do what I can to get her back on her feet, try to write as much as I can, and spent two hours a day in the gym. Not much has changed but the location and the loss of the bar and brothers for a few weeks. Maybe this will help. Maybe I just needed a changed of pace.
Maybe I just needed a reason to not kill myself and for now, this is it.
I'm probably being overdramatic there. There's no way I'd kill myself. Too many people depend on me that actually matter. Mom, David, Topher, Julia... those four people matter. I'll live for them, write this book for them. And if it's successful, I'll make it for many more people that meant something to me.
I'm afraid I'll let them down.