It's hard to remember what I've said before, so I apologize to myself if I'm repeating anything I said last time.
I've taken to adding comments every time I add something new to the story, so i an see what progress I'm making. Kind of a way of showing both accountability, and progress reminders so that I don't beat myself up too much.
Tonight I wrote about the past two day gap. Mom had surgery on the 21th. I took this image yesterday, at a low point when she was feeling really rough during recovery.
She kept thinking that it will never get better than this. She was worried that she will always feel this way, that this condition was her new normal. There were swelling issues, bladder issues, and she kept saying if this is how she's going to feel the rest of her life, what's the point? Like she won't physically be better. It was hard to convince her, to remind her that this is one day, things do get better. But she's had a fucking hard summer between her mother's cancer and her own...
We just got her discharged today. The surgery was a bigger deal than maybe either of us realized. She's in recovery, and the prognosis is positive. They think they got all the cancer. Still seems unreal. I think I'm handling it well. I've been here helping and will continue to be until she's able to drive and lift objects again. Still feel helpless, like I'm not doing enough. I try to be positive, and keep reminding her that it's worth it to get through, that this isn't the end of her life. I told her she needs to plan things to do, bucket list things like buy herself a convertible, a cheap one. Take a trip to Greece like she's always wanted.
I need to do the same things but I can't afford to yet... that's a spiral. And really, I'm thinking one day I'm going to go bankrupt. I don't know how long I'll be able to avoid it. I have to pray that maybe, just maybe the book will sell.
So I missed a day of writing. And all the others I feel like I'm still not writing enough daily.
I'm afraid I'll go bankrupt before I finish this book. I'm afraid I'll never finish. I'm hoping that if I keep talking about my fears, they won't overcome me.
In the meantime, I'm going to do my best here in Birmingham. Mom needs someone to drive and lift things for her for the next two weeks. So I'll do what I can to get her back on her feet, try to write as much as I can, and spent two hours a day in the gym. Not much has changed but the location and the loss of the bar and brothers for a few weeks. Maybe this will help. Maybe I just needed a changed of pace.
Maybe I just needed a reason to not kill myself and for now, this is it.
I'm probably being overdramatic there. There's no way I'd kill myself. Too many people depend on me that actually matter. Mom, David, Topher, Julia... those four people matter. I'll live for them, write this book for them. And if it's successful, I'll make it for many more people that meant something to me.
I'm afraid I'll let them down.