Memorial Day, 2018.
Tropical Storm Pool Day
I wrote a thing
(also not 100% sober so I apologize for the format)
This must be a bit of heaven
Swimming in the late May rain
College nostalgia loud on the radio
Waiting for the girls to come over
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Waiting for our lives to finally start
Waiting ain't so bad if the company
Be as good as this brotherhood
and a dedication,
Thank you two. When I'm gone, hopefully before you, you should know this was the best part of my life
I blame 2000's cookout rap radio, a lil' chill feeling, and the hope for memories to look back on in the next few weeks.
So it looks like I'll be spending the next month in Birmingham, taking care of my mother. I'm not sure when I'll be back. I'll be putting my life on hold and that's okay with me, because this is my mom and... to be real, I'm not doing much anyway.
I mean sure I'm: working a career, in constant long term relationship negotiations with a lovely long distance blonde, working out two hours a day, finishing up the last wedding album before a likely month free of shooting, writing as much as I can (even leaving comments to myself marking the amount I'm doing each day)... going into debt buying a suit to go to a wedding where I looked good but felt nervous the whole time and debated leaving several times just because of my own anxiety... not teaching summer school after all, missing out on a 4 grand extra paycheck...
So, it feels busy. But why does it feel empty?
Look at that picture, tell me those aren't friends to treasure. Look at the pictures of the blonde, and think about the last time you held each other and talked about the next time... one day... whenever that might be. Look at the book, and think about all the things you want to accomplish and the dreams you want to live out. Look at the progress you've made on your body. Look at how willing you are to move to a city you don't know, where your already near-terminal social life will be put on complete life support. Logically, it doesn't matter. I probably will find a way to make my routine fit into this new set of needs. Swap out eight hours of teaching for helping Mom whenever she needs it, look for opportunities to get to the gym, and write. I won't be able to play video games or get in the pool. I won't be able to sit on the couch, next to Loki and laughing along with David to a stupid movie like Sausage Party while Topher cooks brats and I joke about how it's all ironic since we're three bachelors on Memorial Day.
I'm scared to leave them. I'm scared I can't do this. I'm scared I'll fail. I'm scared Mom will die. I'm scared about how I will spiral when she does, and how self-destructive I'll be. I'm scared I'll get in trouble for the green supplements. I hate that I'm so paranoid about it I can't even use the real name.
I'm so paranoid lately, worried that something will happen to the boys. Worried that the finances won't make it. I know it's not being helped by what's going on with the mother and grandmother.
I haven't spoken about it much. Topher and David know. Apparently by now everyone at work knows even though I only told three people going with me on a work-related trip I've had to cancel on. Two dance friends know because they date each other and one overheard the phone conversation with mom last week. Julia knows, because long-distance girl. I haven't told a lot of people I've been debating on talking to about it... I think because talking about it means it's real. Real means it's happening and I can't control the outcomes.
Am I handling all this poorly?
I need a therapist. I need to see a cardiologist because of low blood pressure and iron deficiencies resulting in possible anemia. I dont think I'm going to have the time until this is done. I need a list of things to get done the day before I get called to go to Birmingham-
Update Gym Membership
Pack two bags - one with gym clothes, the other with rec clothes, both laptops.
Take the BRZ - leave the keys for the Jeep
Take two shaker bottles
Hike the dog one last time before I go
If all goes well, I'll spend my days in Birmingham split between the gym, hospital/home recovery time with mom, and writing. I'll flip through Bumble, consider going out to a blues night, if there's one there and mom's condition allows it...
In my head, I apologize for my existence for everything. Like I feel like I inconvenience everyone. Insecurities galore.
I figure, fake confidence until you make it right? Build a body and hope you look good, it'll make you feel good. Sure... that's the theory.