Productivity is a silent thing. A chrysalis of a kind, grinding away at this big block of stone. Every day chipping away hoping in the end it'll mean something.
Always afraid you're wasting your time. Doing everything you can to believe you're right.
Taylor Swift - I Almost Do
Music helps really. It's kind of great, one of the roommates playing a video game (currently Dragon Age Inquisition), the other watching a video on his phone. The dog letting me use his back as an elbow prop. I have my headphones on, and just write a page or two a night if I can. Some nights are better than others, some are easier. I try not to feel too bad if I don't get it all done. I figure it's like the gym; it doesn't matter how great it goes, what matters is you get it done.
So I'm averaging around a page a day, give or take. Some days I won't write at all, but I'll think about it at least five times and send two text messages to myself with small notes. Other days I'll sit down on this recliner and bang out five pages straight. But I'm committed, good or bad.
The gym helps too. I'm beginning to fear I talk about it too much and I'm becoming one of those bros. But... I'm proud of myself. Which is something I don't know if I've ever really been. I'm still insecure and worried as hell about the future and finances, but I feel good and I'm starting to look better little by little. I have been in the gym two hours every day since New Years, except one day when I had to go to urgent care. My chest hurt like hell, and after an EKG and X-Ray the doctor concluded I tore a pec. I felt stupid.
Magic - No Regrets
I've lost around 40 pounds of fat gained maybe 5 back in muscle. Quick observation: fat seriously does store so much heat. I am so much colder all the time now. I had to go outside at work and I'd only brought a fleece jacket because this idiot forgot to check the weather before leaving the house. It's freezing in March. Figures. I ask my colleague if I can borrow her massive winter coat. She giggles and says, "if you're cold enough to go out in a woman's coat it must be cold." I was eternally grateful. I also looked ridiculous. Whatever, it was warm.
I have a long long way to go in the book. I have a long way to go in the gym. I am better about recognizing this undercurrent of sadness, and doing more to face it head on. I have time to think this way, to learn, hopefully to grow. It's time to be better.
Like I said, chrysalis. If I can be smart and nothing goes tragically wrong this year... maybe I can make this real. I just want to make them proud.
The Fray - How To Save A Life
But it's funny, while I'm here I'm choosing isolation. I think I'm getting flirted with more but I respond negatively. I panic when women talk to me. I don't want to be flirted with? Like... I'm lonely but it's not worth putting myself out there just to get hurt again, or even worse, hurt someone else. Also, I'm living in the margins right now but it's way tighter than I want. I don't think I could invest in a relationship, so why try?
I figure it's all a discipline game. Grind away and you have something one day. If it's good, someone will buy it. At least I can say I tried.
That's all any of us can do.